An Ode to Amtrak

My dearest Amtrak,

Within my heart there is a section dedicated to the wondrous form of transportation known to man as the train. I love subways, that zip through the underbellies of cities carrying the most precious of cargoes. I love the high speed trains of Europe, and fondly recall the timeliness of said trains during my time in Italy not too long ago.

Amtrak, you are nothing like your brethren. And for that, I undeniably, willingly despise you.

You are the strange relative that shows up to the family reunion without a house gift and without an invitation. You are constantly delayed without good reason, leaving your patrons literally in the dark at midnight without explanation for hours at a time. The ETA is always inaccurate, an infidelity I now expect every time I ride the train of the Northeast corridor. You are slow, especially in Virginia, bumbling up and down the East coast like a drunkard attempting to stumble home. Even cars can arrive to the same destinations faster than you. Your food is overpriced and at best mediocre, and your air is so dry that I can't go three hours without buying one of your expensive bottles of water. I hate how I cannot flush your toilets or charge my phone during the 20-30 minute layover in Washington, D.C., one of the few times where I do not need to play a balancing game while I relieve myself. Your WiFi runs at the speed of an Apatosaurus, both lethargic and reminiscent of prehistoric times. It is no wonder a paper that should have taken me two hours to write and submit took me five and a half hours. I ride your atrocious trains only out of convenience and a genuine like towards most of your staff, most of which I find myself making pleasant conversation with in the wee morning hours.

My dear Amtrak, I beg you to better yourself for the sake of your patrons.

Sincerely,

A Regular Customer